Okay, enough about Auckland and on with what’s up.

Funny how things worked out. I was looking through my blogs and tried to search for some progress. Thankfully, I found some. I usually just start off with 3 blogs and then I’ll leave it all behind. Anyway, so as I was flicking through my blog entries and I found an entry dated June 10, 2009 titled Off To University? It’s been more than a year ago and funny how, right now, at this very moment, I’m dealing with the same thing. It’s been a year and I’m still not a student. :/

Things changed, though. Back then I said I wanted to be a Film and Theater student. This time around, I wanted to be an Interior Designer. Praise God I didn’t go to school last year, or I will just waste my time taking the wrong course. It’s been just a few months since I decided on majoring in film that I changed my mind to Interior Designing. It makes perfect sense taking it, though, since I have been designing rooms since I could move furniture in my room. So I stick with it, now I can’t imagine myself doing anything else. Maybe because I’ve already imagined myself doing everything, there’s nothing left to imagine.

We’re still waiting for our permanent residency. How I survive another year of no school? I don’t know. But yah, I survived. I have been doing sketches of houses and furniture to help me improve artistically. I’m still trying to do some sketches of interiors. But all these are just copies of photographs. I practice so I can sketch using my imagination. Also, work kept me busy but I’m leaving soon since it’s affecting my health. I will look for another job just in case uni won’t come for me this year again. Another year of no school? I have no idea what will become of me by the end of next year.

I am hoping our residency will turn up before December 10. That’s the date of the last day of enrollment. But this time, I won’t expect anything anymore, I won’t plan anything anymore. I’ll just let it flow and leave everything to God. And whatever His plan is, I will trust in Him.

Dear All,

PLEASE ENSURE YOU READ THIS TO THE END, PREFERABLY WHEN YOU ARE LESS BUSY.

I can only imagine…

Heaven as written by a 17 Year Old Boy

This is excellent and really gets you thinking about what will happen in Heaven.

17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. “I wowed ‘em,” he later told his father, Bruce. “It’s a killer. It’s the bomb. It’s the best thing I ever wrote.” It also was the last.

Brian’s parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousin found it while cleaning out the teenager’s locker at Teays Valley High School in Pickaway County

Brian had been dead only hours, but his parents desperately wanted every piece of his life near them, notes from classmates and teachers, and his homework. Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay about encountering Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every moment of the teen’s life. But it was only after Brian’s death that Beth and Bruce Moore realized that their son had described his view of heaven.

It makes such an impact that people want to share it. “You feel like you are there,” Mr. Moore said.. Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend’s house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road inPickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.

The Moore ’s framed a copy of Brian’s essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. “I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it,” Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son’s vision of life after death. “I’m happy for Brian. I know he’s in heaven. I know I’ll see him.

Here is Brian’s essay entitled:

” The Room..”

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings.

As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read “Girls I have liked.” I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn’t match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named “Friends” was next to one marked “Friends I have betrayed.” The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. “Books I Have Read,” “Lies I Have Told,” “Comfort I have Given,” “Jokes I Have Laughed at.”

Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: “Things I’ve yelled at my brothers.” Others I couldn’t laugh at: “Things I Have Done in My Anger”, “Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents.” I never ceased to be surprised by the contents Often there were many more cards than expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived.

Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked “TV Shows I have watched,” I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked “Lustful Thoughts,” I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me.

One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!” In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn’t matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards…

But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.

And then I saw it. The title bore “People I Have Shared the Gospel With.” The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes.. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn’t bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes.

Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn’t anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. “No!” I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was “No, no,” as I pulled the card from Him.. His name shouldn’t be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, and so alive.

The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, “It is finished.”

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

Let everyone know about this…

And then he said, “what if she visits. I don’t want to see you get hurt.” I smiled to let him know that everything’s going to be fine. That my feelings for this other guy was nothing serious at all. But as I turned away from my friend, my lips betrayed my words as it turned into a frown. My eyes fluttered trying to keep it from bursting tears. And as I pursed my lips to prevent my self from spatting out unwanted wails of hurt, I ran down the stairs and locked myself in the bathroom. One deep breath was all it took for all the suffocating emotions to flow out of my eyes.

Me.Selina.Nikkie
Dress – Valley Girl  /  Shoes – No.1 Shoes  /  Belt – Pagani
(Weird how the belt is the same price as the shoes. lol)

Last night was a blast at Majoe’s birthday. I organized it… Well co-organized it with Kua Led and finally, I was happy with the outcome of the party. I like how the design turned out even if it wasn’t exactly what I wanted. But it happens all the time. There are times when good ideas never work. I did have a lot of fun last night and I’m proud of myself with what I did.

I’m not going on full details on what happened at the party. But I gotta mention the crazy as cake fight at the end of the party. And I’ll post photos when I get them then hopefully the photos will show you the fun we all had last night. That was the best part of organizing an event – seeing the invited people how much fun they were having. The stress, the troubles and the problems were paid off by just the thank you and seeing the smiles on people’s faces. And the fact that they’re staying a bit longer just because they still don’t want to go.

People say I should be an event organizer. I answer, I don’t like the stress it’s giving me. I need a team with me and money to support this. But somehow, event organizing is my way of fulfilling my love for film because I imagine the event as to how it will appear in a film. It never occured to me to be an event organizer just because when I was a kid, I don’t make parties because I’m scared people won’t show up. It’s very embarassing when I wanted a huge as party and no one shows up. So i never make parties. I do have parties but only random ones like we’ll just think about going to our place and just have a pool party. That I know is going to be small but at least it’s not the embarassing type.

Event organizing is so much work and it takes ages of planning! But I’m surprised that friends actually asks me to help organize their party. It always starts with asking me if I could design the event and turns out, the people I help really needs help with not just the design but the whole thing. I love to help out, really! And I don’t know where all these event ideas are coming from but it’s coming out. It must have been because of too much Hollywood in my head. The parties, award shows, premieres, after parties, launches, fashion shows… I love to party. And luckily when I was growing up, I was able to go to different parties and events of my parents. And my grandma does a lot of parties as well. And also my mom organize events so I get tips from her. Just tips! That’s probably where I get ideas. The social life of my grandma! I swear, if we were in orange county, california or upper east side, manhattan, our family won’t miss all the charities and benefit events and stuff the rich family goes to coz of my grandma. She’s very sociable!

Anyway, so yeah… I’m still not thinking about going on professional events organizer. I’ll still fulfill my dreams of becoming an interior designer and actress before having events organizer as a sideline. But who knows? I might be infected by the family disease where we don’t actually do the career of the degree we finished. Events organizer… Only if it’s in Hollywood!

Photos coming soon! And also, a big shout out to God for being with me last night. Parties are million times better when God is with you and you share it with Him!

I can’t take this anymore! I WANT ONE! I don’t know why, but it must have been because of my love for design that’s why I wanted MacBook pro so much. It stylish, it lasts a long time, and it’s amazing. First time I used it was for my media studies back in year 13 here in NZ. And that was the time I fell in love with this computer. I freakin love it so much. It was supposedly my gift for myself. But turns out I bought myself a hair straightener and a hair dryer, which I’m not regretting by the way. But I seriously can’t take it anymore. I’m so sacrificing my shopping just to get one. I need to cure my shopping addiction, it’s bad!!! Lol

So anyway, I can’t really see myself buying a Windows laptop. It’s freaking slow when you use it all the time, virus comes and comes and never goes (unless you reboot it, which takes up too much time), it’s freakin heavy, and it’s not stylish. Lol. Anyway, if I’m meant to have one, I will. But i seriously can’t wait!!! Me want one. I’m going crazy here now!

Want a translation? The title is “Mahirap Magmahal ng Syota ng Iba” which means it’s hard to love someone else’s. Just loving this version… ok and the song! Lol geehh my bro’s going to tease me hard out. Enjoy the vid and music! The song’s originally by Apo Hiking Society.

He came to camp, actually. The guy… And I was pretty much waiting for him to come… He came kind of late… And from the moment he walked in the camp site, I knew we’re just friends. I asked God to help me out and show it to me on camp. Well, He did answer my prayer. I’m good friends with this guy, though. So I didn’t tell him, and the question of whether or not I should tell him is not bothering me anymore…

Though, camp introduced another drama that I pretty much don’t wanna think and talk about it for now.

Waah, I miss camp and I can’t believe I didn’t put any blog about it… A photo is worth a thousand words.. and I have 1000+ photos… awesome aye?? but yeah

Well, anyway… to the main business. I was going through websites and stumble upon my friend’s site. (Oh please do visit even if you’re not a fan coz he deserve the hits!) And I saw Enchong and Erich’s (oh I’m a huge fan of Erich, though… Mainly coz she’s cute.) new movie trailer. The movie’s called “Paano ko Sasabihin” and the title itself captured me. I can’t fully relate to the entire story, but the message it brings does.

“Paano kung di ka nya naririnig?”
What if he can’t hear you?

“Paano kung pagod ka na magpanggap?”
What if you’re tired of pretending?

“Paano mo sasabihin?”
How are you going to admit it?

Ugghh… Exactly the questions I wanted answered!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously… I just couldn’t help but watch the trailer and all. I’m actually curious what’s it all about. Well, I know the obvious: they both thought the other was deaf but truth is, they’re not. But I know there’s something behind it. I want to watch and MAYBE find the answer.

It has been weeks I’ve asked the question “How am I going to say I like a guy when he obviously couldn’t see me.” And yes, it is connected to my previous post, Oh Boy. The same guy who I have felt something different. I admit, I’m not yet sure if there’s something more than attraction. But whatever. I have camp to tell me if there really is something different about this guy. And I know it’s going to be more confusing if there’s something going to happen at camp, which I hope I will survive.

Oh God, help!

Music: United State of Pop 2009 (Blame it on the Pop)… I’m not exactly listening to this, but I’m currently obsessing. Lol.

Anyway, I won’t blog about camp til it’s actually here. I’m blogging about something real personal… So here goes.

I’ll start with a question: What would you do when you like someone and he only sees you as a friend? One person told me, I shouldn’t waste my time over this person. And a few others encouraged me to admit it to him. The thing is, both do have a point.

The first one. True, why would I really waste my time over someone who I’ve hinted a million times and still couldn’t see or realize that I like him. But how will I know that he really likes me as just friends if I wouldn’t tell him, right? Which brings us to the point of the second answer.

Uggh.. It just upsets me that I am stuck in the middle of two things that makes sense. If one doesn’t, feel free to leave a comment.

Maybe I should tell you something about our friendship. Simply comfortable. Out of all the guys I liked (and admitted to myself), he’s the only one I’m comfortable with. Usually when I know I have a crush on someone, I normally start panicking inside and boom, no talking. I go on shy, quiet mode around the person. But with ‘him’, I’m still being Auie: crazy, blah and random. I pretty much open to him and I open up to him sometimes. I couldn’t fully open up because I’m not sure if he wants to listen to my dramas. Lol… but yeah, he’s far out different from all of the guys I liked. And yes, I have admitted to myself that I like him… Twice I’ve said to myself I’ll stop liking him. Twice I liked him again. I wanted to stop, listen to my friend who said I shouldn’t waste my time and I’m trying to.

I’m waiting for my last sign over at camp and see. If we’ve gone closer, I’ll tell him and it’s all or nothing. But at least I got it out of my chest. If nope, then I should better listen to the wiser one and let him be. It might be just attraction and not the real deal. But whatever, you might wanna argue. I can’t fully think coz my head is tired, so if you find the blog weird… It’s because my brain isn’t functioning well.

Looking forward to comments. If any would even read this.